Inktober 2019 and Creative Burnout

I've been expressing myself creatively for as long as I can remember.

As a child, it brought me joy to doodle and imagine stories, as a teenager writing tales and illustrating them basically saved my life and as an adult it's what's keeping me sane.You could easily say that creativity has always been my outlet to deal with stress and negativity, no matter what was going on in my life. Whenever I felt upset, lonely or hurt, whenever tears were near and my heart was aching, simply picking up a pen or pencil helped me to soothe my soul. As I spun storylines and traced lines onto my paper, I suddenly felt free, unburdened by life's troubles - they just disappeared, like leaves being carried down a stream. Through creativity I learned to be happy, to experience true bliss, which I couldn't find in my daily life.

This is why being creative has become so important to me, it's like breathing, something I can't do without. But maybe...Maybe it's best if I stop, at least for a while (drawing, not breathing, that is *laughs*).

Please hear me out and I tell you why.

 

For the past few months I've been really struggling.

I think it started, because I had a long ToDo-list with things I "owed" to other people. Art trades, aceos, Commissions, things like that which just accumulated because I couldn't say "no". There were far over twenty drawings for many different people I had to do and although I love art and it honored me that people wanted artworks from me, it just became too much. I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of items on my list, well aware that it would take ages to finish and I had no idea where to start. But since I'm someone who likes to make plans, I tried to organize it, to battle my list one item at a time. I called it "Operation: Slay the Dragon" and slowly but surely, I got the hang of it. With each finished piece, my hope that I would win this 'battle' increased.

I kept telling myself that once I am finished with my To Do, I'll have time for myself at last, that I finally get to focus on my writing and my personal art completely, without the nagging guilt that there are other things I SHOULD be doing. It was my ultimate goal, something that seemed so far off, but what would make all the struggles worth the while.

Don't get me wrong, even while I was fighting that 'dragon', I tried to make room for my own projects (including a monthly challenge called "Colors of the Month", which I took as an opportunity to draw my OCs and fanart of my favorite fandoms), but it often got very difficult to balance them with what I now described as 'my work'. Sometimes painting an aceo for someone else was so exhausting that I had no energy left to draw for myself and I just crashed.

I also got sick and often suffered from stress-induced headaches constantly, causing me to "lose time" - hours I was supposed to spend "working" and I felt unhappy with myself because I was "slacking". In order to remedy that, to give myself a feeling of accomplishment, I would often cancel my weekend (because you see, I promised myself to take Sundays and Mondays off, dedicating those solely to my own projects - and to leisure, such as playing videogames, watching shows, reading, baking or doing other things), so I could catch up with the time I lost. Deep within I knew this wasn't healthy - but it was productive and this is what I thought I needed. One item down the ToDo, meant one step closer to my goal.

At night I often laid awake, brooding over the next day, of what I was going to have to do, already trying to come up with compositions or concepts, because I couldn't sleep, my mind was far too active. Too busy, with worries of the future, things beyond my control -  I guess trying to plan something within my influence, like my artworks, was my mind's way of comforting itself - or of trying to distract from my (often irrational) fears. Too bad that they did catch up with me while I slept, in the form of nightmares, though.

This too, wasn't healthy, I realized that. In fact I started taking Valerian and that natural remedy did help to make me fall asleep faster - but what it didn't solve were the nightmares. They haven't stopped yet. In fact, I can't remember when I last had a restful night, they haunt me daily.

But anyway, I'm getting sidetracked.

 

Every day I kept struggling - all throughout Spring and Summer I drew and painted, every single day, which in itself, wasn't a bad thing. I usually did so daily, but it was getting...Tedious. Although my ToDo-List was finally diminishing, as was my creativity, unfortunately. Art had become equivalent to work - not as in a "job", but more...Wasn't art supposed to be something I enjoyed? Well. I wasn't so sure anymore.

I tried to do my best, to finish each item on my ToDo to my best ability, to make the future owners of those artworks happy and though I am proud of many of the illustrations I did and truly gave it my all, I simultaneously became more and more dissatisfied with my private projects. I would often scrap sketches I did of my favorite characters and OCs, probably driving some friends insane by telling them that I didn't like how they looked, although they loved those drafts and encouraged me not to abandon the ideas.

It was the end of August when I skipped through the pages of my sketchbook and stared at my Inktober drawings of 2018, wondering whether I should give it a try again this year.

Although I still remembered all the frustration and tears I had spent over these artworks, because I had completely underestimated the toll the challenge was going to take, I was still impressed with the fact that I finished it (even if had to force myself in the end because I didn't want to accept defeat :'D) and to my surprise, I also still loved many of the drawings I did that year - including all those crazy, tiny, time-consuming details. And what's even more important: they made me feel something, as though I captured the emotions within the pages and by looking at them, I unleashed them anew.

Well, I thought to myself, why not try again and join Inktober 2019? There's still time to plan - and I could sign up for the newsletter, so I would get the prompts one month early, enough time for brainstorming and research, I could get a head-start that way. Maybe it would help, maybe it would be easier than last year. Maybe getting 31 fresh prompts would spark inspiration. Maybe I would finally regain my confidence - and the joy I used to feel when drawing.

Spoiler: I didn't. Far from it.

 

At first, the planning process went anything but smooth.

Due to my severe lack of imagination even the most simple prompts (such as "treasure") gave me a headache and it took me the entire month to come up with enough, satisfactory concepts - which by the way, I didn't even end up sticking to completely (but more on that later). Often I also had a rough idea for WHAT I could draw, but now HOW. My mind drew a complete blank when trying to imagine what angle I could pick, or what pose to chose - reading what I wrote down in my notebook, things like "poisoned Vyon" (for the prompt "Dizzy") didn't trigger any images in my mind, as it usually would. They were just empty words and I am so eternally grateful that my friends supported me at times like this, by listening to my dilemma and sometimes even by doodling thumbnails to inspire me, which in turn, did spark a composition in my head.

In the meantime, as my plans were slowly progressing, I also tried to prepare myself mentally for Inktober by watching some Youtube videos on the topic and other art related ones - until one afternoon, there was one random video in my recommendations that opened my eyes and shocked me, because what was being said there sounded so familiar.

Unfortunately I can't find the link anymore, but it was about someone who suffered from Burnout and compared it with the Miyazaki movie "Kiki's Delivery Service" - a really lovely film. I won't go much into detail about the plot (because if you haven't seen it yet, do so, it's really heartwarming and sweet. Not an action-packed epic like "Mononoke-Hime" or "Spirited Away", but beautiful nonetheless), but in it, the little witch loses her ability to fly. She tries to force it, gets frustrated and depressed because nothing works and well...I could relate. My situation was just like her's, my creativity was my form of "flying" - and I could no longer use that ability. And there I was, at the end of September, with Inktober just around the corner and I no longer thought it was such a good idea to participate.

I had not lost my inspiration or my ability to enjoy creativity, I was just...Burnt out. Again.

Because yes, it had happened before, about a year ago, but at the time, it felt different - it happpened in a different manner, too and was caused by something else, which was why I didn't recognize the signs it until it was all too late. No wonder I was so worn out mentally, didn't sleep well and felt depressed all the time.

And yet...I had put all this effort into planning Inktober and wanted to see it through. I knew it probably wasn't the best idea, but a part of me still clung desperately to the hope that it would return my happiness to me. But right from the start I noticed I was going to have a hard time. The first prompt "Ring" actually gave me an excuse to draw my favorite couple again, but even this didn't fill my heart with joy. The result was anything but what I wished for, but well... At least I knew why, now. My view was clouded by my exhaustion.

 

I kept thinking of Kiki and her troubles, too - and of how she eventually overcame them, through the advice of her artist friend Ursula in the movie. Maybe the solution would be same for me: to stop drawing and to do something else, instead of stressing over it.  But I couldn't just give up Inktober, right? I had to finish what I started.

One evening, when I worked on one of the pieces, I sat down, determined to draw, but instead I started at the blank page, dropped my pencil and started crying.I didn't even WANT to draw, but I felt like I HAD TO draw. Because I started the challenge. Because I talked some fellow artists into participating as well. Because I felt responsible. Because recently so many new followers had joined my page and probably "expected" to see more. Thoughts like this just kept driving me crazy and stopping was no option for me. I had all 31 drawings planned out, what was I waiting for? I can't give up now, can I? I have to keep going. I HAVE TO DRAW - this was what I kept telling myself, over and over again.

And what did I do instead? I spent three hours writing the intro to this blog post. I also made a promise to myself: that I was to take a week or two off after the challenge was finished - and take a break from social media, too. To use this time to unwind, maybe to sew something, create a figure in polymer clay, tend to my bonsai...Just doing OTHER creative things that had nothing to do with drawing. Maybe if I did this, I could learn to enjoy art again, to regain my creativity that way.

But first, I had to finish Inktober.

 

Despite my best efforts to make myself draw daily, my energy was waning midway through.

I also began changing plans I originally made - rather drawing my own character for the prompt "Wild" as I had intended, for example, I drew another Dragon Age Fanart. This was unlike me - like I mentioned previously, I'm someone who enjoys planning - and usually I follow the plans I make to a T, because I am not very good at being spontaneous. But my original idea just seemed way too difficult and it intimated me, so I wanted something a little...Easier. It didn't help that many of my artworks demanded my full concentration (which was hard to come by these days), either, because they were tiny and packed to the brim with intricate details, which also meant that many of them took more than two to four hours. Even though I purposefully kept some backgrounds simple and drew little to no pure landscapes (to avoid previously mentioned comments), every drawing felt more difficult than the previous one... I was struggling and not fully satisfied with most of the artworks I did.

 

Then, around the end of the challenge, something surprising started happening. My posts were suddenly incredibly well received and I thought I was imagining things when the amount of hearts on Instagram just kept increasing, then doubling and more than one of them crossed the one hundred mark.  It may not be much to some, or compared to other artists, but for me it was unbelievable. So far this had only happened once before, ever since I opened that account in January.

So many new followers joined, comments kept coming in, too and a few people mentioned they loved that my panel layout for Inktober reminded them of a comic, which I hadn't really intended, but made me glad, even so. Complete strangers also told me my art was "Inspiring" for them and that they enjoy my crosshatching, my linework...Things no one ever said about my art before. No "pretty trees" or "nice backgrounds." this time - someone actually said they liked how I depict emotion and that really made my eyes tear up. THIS was what I wanted to convey, after all - and if they felt it...Didn't this mean it was still there? That I was still able to put a spark of what my art was meant for into it, without being able to feel it at the moment?

 

Through all this, I also learned another thing: I had not only lost my imagination, but also lost sight of why I started drawing to begin with - and what Inktober and the items on my ToDo should really have been about.

I never meant to draw with the sole purpose of "serving others", no, drawing shouldn't be about creating something I could post...I didn't want to "produce" things like a factory. Drawing should express emotions, tell stories and most importantly: they should be for MYSELF, first and foremost. It's ironic that getting so much unexpected attention was what ended up teaching me that this shouldn't be what it's all about, even though I really appreciate all these kind comments. After all, they encouraged me - and through them, through the support of so many friendly people, my Inktober ended on a slightly happier note, after all. It made me smile to read such sweet compliments and if you are one of those wonderful people who accompanied me during my Inktober adventure, I want to say thank you :) You really have no idea how much your kindness means to me! ♥

 

One thing is certain: yes, I still want to work as an artist - professionally, too. I want to earn my living through being an illustrator and writer one day - it's still my dream. This hasn't changed and it never will.

But I have to re-learn that it's not just the result that counts, that art isn't just "work", but my passion. Productivity doesn't matter - so what, if a painting takes many weeks, because I draw every single leaf of a tree? That's just my style and I should accept that things just take time. Also, even if I paint a Commission for someone else, based on THEIR ideas, I should still be able to enjoy the process of putting paint to paper, am I right? After all that's what I always did. I loved making other people's visions come to life through my brush...Just as much as I loved spinning my own tales.

And furthermore: if I post something, the likes and comments those artworks get, do not matter. They do not evaluate how "good" or "bad" my artwork is. It's not an easy lesson to learn, I know I am prone to "judge" my pictures based on how well they are received and that I tend to get sad if a piece I previously enjoyed gets lost in the shuffle...There's a couple of drawings that are "tainted" by this (meaning that when I look at them now, all I can think is "people didn't quite like this v_v" rather than "Oh, I enjoyed painting this!" or "I am really happy with it") and I have to learn how to battle this bad habit. At least the knowledge that many other people also fall into this "trap" relieves me, because I know I am not alone.

I think through all the stress during the last months, through all the deadlines and obligations I had, I forgot all about such matters. I just saw this mountain of work, wanted to get through it, spread myself too thin in theprocess and pushed myself too far.

But this has to stop. I can't keep going like this.

 

To be honest, I am still at a loss how to re-learn those things. All I know is that I really need a break right now and just like I promised myself during Inktober, I will do so now. Maybe it will take a week, maybe it'll be two, I am not sure yet.

What am I am certain of though is that I really, really love art and creativity - and I need it in my life, badly. I want to rediscover the joy I once felt, want to walk within the planes of my paintings and spend time with my original characters and others I love.

I want to be happy again.

 

That being said, I do hope that all of you who are reading this understand why I won't be posting anything for a while now, but I will be back, that's a promise. After all, I also like sharing my art with other people. I appreciate everyone's feedback - and I enjoy looking at your beautiful, inspiring artworks, too. I love the fact that we artists support each other. After all, we're not competitors or rivals, but we're all in it together: we're all creatives :) And that's what Inktober 2019 clearly proved to me.

...My, I actually managed to conclude this wall of text on a happy note, didn't I? *giggles* But honestly - I said it before, but thank you. From the bottom of my heart: thank you for all your support and kindness (and for reading this long text >///< Sorry, I couldn't make it any shorter)! ♥

 

Now, to finish this up: here's my overview of this year's Inktober drawings. If you want to see the pictures in greater detail, or learn more about my thoughts behing them, either check my Instagram feed here at yasao.art  or you can also search for the hashtag #yasaosinktober2019 there.